when your self-esteem plummets down...
I've always thought I was smart. I don't say this in a tone of arrogance. All through my primary and secondary school, my school reports reflect that "fact". So, I had always been quite satisfied with my achievements. Music, sports, schoolwork... I'm pretty good at them, I thought...Then university... Even during pre-clinical years, my marks were okay, quite average. I easily passed. Of course, I knew I was competing against a class of brilliant people with brilliant VCE (or equivalent) scores. So I was quite satisfied with my average marks.
Clinical years have begun. This is where you prove yourself to be a competent doctor, to show the others that you have learnt the theory well and can apply to practice. Then I realised that I've learnt close to nothing during pre-clinical. I don't have the brain to learn. I don't even have the passion to learn.
As Eason's album title says: "WHAT'S GOING ON???"
Everyday I am innudated with questions from the tutor/doctors. A fully humiliating experience that I've learnt to numb myself within. Is it a trial? or merely a reality hit that I am in fact not competent enough to be in the course?
They say the last person on the ranking is still graduating as a doctor. Perhaps it ain't really a problem that my marks are low? Then i ask myself: Do I have the knowledge to do my job? NO! heck no!
HOW NOW?
so as my title says, when your self-esteem plummets down, I drown with it... Who is there to rescue me? To show me my self-worth? To redeem me for my inadequacy. So God says, in your inadequacy, My strength is made perfect.
In all negative situations, my christian values tell me that I can turn them around. God is a restorative, redeeming God. He turns a fisherman to a disciple. He turns 2 fish and 5 bread to feed thousands. He gives life to a world of darkness. He is so able to restore everything.
Therefore, I believe.
All things work for good.
It doesnt mean I should just settle where I am and let God do everything. It means I should couple with Him. I need to make the effort. Perhaps I am unintelligent. Perhaps my brain is not wired to think in a systematic way. Nonetheless, with hard-work, I can make up for my inadequacy. Let it not be an excuse anymore. Perhaps everyone else is just more hard-working than I am.
Time to put in the hard-work. Firstly, I must take captive of my thoughts with a renewal of my mind.
posted by Unknown @ 8:30 PM
2 Comments:
Sometimes, God gives the opportunity to step forward while feeling (or even being) inadequate to the task, but demonstrating faith that he will provide what we need along the way, for there is little faith in saying “first give me all the means and then I will proceed”. And hey, I reckon you can afford to have more confidence in your brain – clinical years is a new way of learning/assessment that many are not instantly used to. And when you connect with people’s lives in a way that only a doctor can, they don’t worry about what marks you got, and eventually, neither will anyone =).
*hugs*
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