when your self-esteem plummets down...
I've always thought I was smart. I don't say this in a tone of arrogance. All through my primary and secondary school, my school reports reflect that "fact". So, I had always been quite satisfied with my achievements. Music, sports, schoolwork... I'm pretty good at them, I thought...Then university... Even during pre-clinical years, my marks were okay, quite average. I easily passed. Of course, I knew I was competing against a class of brilliant people with brilliant VCE (or equivalent) scores. So I was quite satisfied with my average marks.
Clinical years have begun. This is where you prove yourself to be a competent doctor, to show the others that you have learnt the theory well and can apply to practice. Then I realised that I've learnt close to nothing during pre-clinical. I don't have the brain to learn. I don't even have the passion to learn.
As Eason's album title says: "WHAT'S GOING ON???"
Everyday I am innudated with questions from the tutor/doctors. A fully humiliating experience that I've learnt to numb myself within. Is it a trial? or merely a reality hit that I am in fact not competent enough to be in the course?
They say the last person on the ranking is still graduating as a doctor. Perhaps it ain't really a problem that my marks are low? Then i ask myself: Do I have the knowledge to do my job? NO! heck no!
HOW NOW?
so as my title says, when your self-esteem plummets down, I drown with it... Who is there to rescue me? To show me my self-worth? To redeem me for my inadequacy. So God says, in your inadequacy, My strength is made perfect.
In all negative situations, my christian values tell me that I can turn them around. God is a restorative, redeeming God. He turns a fisherman to a disciple. He turns 2 fish and 5 bread to feed thousands. He gives life to a world of darkness. He is so able to restore everything.
Therefore, I believe.
All things work for good.
It doesnt mean I should just settle where I am and let God do everything. It means I should couple with Him. I need to make the effort. Perhaps I am unintelligent. Perhaps my brain is not wired to think in a systematic way. Nonetheless, with hard-work, I can make up for my inadequacy. Let it not be an excuse anymore. Perhaps everyone else is just more hard-working than I am.
Time to put in the hard-work. Firstly, I must take captive of my thoughts with a renewal of my mind.
posted by Unknown @ 8:30 PM
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